Dear Amy: My daughter was recently married.
We didn’t meet her wife in person until the week of their wedding, and then they went back to Europe for work, where they both served in the military.
They both just moved back to the States and are living with us while my daughter finishes an internship.
I am shocked by her wife! She is always putting my daughter down … she is a true narcissist, and I am so shocked and worried that this person will harm my daughter’s light!
I see it happening already. I feel that she fell for this person during a trauma and that they share a trauma bond.
She had an injury and was breaking up with her boyfriend, and this person swooped in.
I see many examples of how jealous and controlling she can be.
My question is, can I confront my daughter? I’m worried about her future and her money. There was no prenup, and I could just scream, “Run!”
Help.
— Worried Mom
Dear Worried: You should not view any statement of concern as a confrontation, because your daughter might interpret this as your effort to control her — much as her wife is doing.
You should tell your daughter that you have concerns with how her wife treats her, and ask her if she is OK with the relationship. Tell her that you love her, support her, and that she will always have a home with you, no matter what.
Keep the door open — always.
Abusive and controlling partners succeed when they successfully isolate their partners from friends and family. Do everything in your power to prevent this from happening, in the belief that when your daughter wakes up and decides she’s had enough, she’ll feel confident and safe in your love and support.
Dear Amy: My family maintains fairly simple tastes.
My stepbrother got engaged to “Sharon.” Her family had a similar background to ours, but business success means they now live very extravagantly, and Sharon never lets us forget it.
My mother and I were invited to her wedding shower. The invitation stated: “Do not bring gifts.”
Unless I’ve been asleep my whole life, I thought one major point of a shower was the gifts. That’s the “shower” part, right?
We tried to get a clarification from Sharon, but she acted very mysterious.
At the shower venue, my mother and I walked into a nearly silent room of people, in the center of which was a large table heaped with very expensive items: China, crystal, Sterling silver, a $400 pen, a $4,500 tennis bracelet (this one had a “sign-up sheet” for multiple contributors) and a $2,000 cappuccino machine.
Sharon gave us each a pad of stickers and a pen.
She explained that we were to “browse” the table and put our name on a sticker to “affix to whatever gift we wished to give.”
There were more “sign-up” sheets for the honeymoon, week-end trips, kayaks and camping equipment.
It was the most uncomfortable event I’ve ever been part of. My mom and I took one tour around the room and quietly left.
We heard later that the shower was a disaster and that Sharon and her mother were furious with the guests.
Is this some new trend?
My sister thinks we should throw Sharon a traditional shower for “our side” of the family, but it’s obviously not something she would be satisfied with!
What are your thoughts on this?
— Gobsmacked
Dear Gobsmacked: If excess could be considered a trend, then I suppose this monster of a gift-grab fits the trend.
Normally the maid of honor hosts the shower, but this seems to have been planned by the bride and her mother — also bucking the norm.
I do like the idea of you and your sister hosting a small-scale party for this new family member. It could be a simple themed event (perhaps a “kitchen shower”) held in the backyard.
This will be a gracious way of you conveying your own values, while offering this bride a quiet “reset.” Don’t worry about “Sharon’s” satisfaction. Her attitude is her responsibility.
Dear Amy: “Hurting” are grandparents who aren’t seeing their grandchildren because of the way the childrens’ parents treat them.
There is such a thing as “grandparents rights” and they should look into getting visitation.
— Upset
Dear Upset: These grandparents were “done” being mistreated by the parents; they seemed to be walking away from the relationship.
Visitation is a possibility in some states; they should look into it.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
